how much do i take before i say no???

my ex and i split up around 8 months we have 2 children together
The main priority was to make sure my children had contact with their dad, I offered for him to have them any day he wanted but he wanted to see a solicitor said he wanted it written down.Turns out he didnt want as much contact as i was offering we arranged that he came to my home for a few hours to see them when he did i had to put up with alot of abuse he’d call me degrading names in front of the kids,shout really loud and scare them even threatened to hit me i felt i had no choice but to stop contact…He apologised and contact started again it was alright for a while but then the abuse started again so we agreed he would take them to his mom’s, when i phoned to make sure they was okay he told me they wernt coming back home he was very serious and nasty i told him i was coming to fetch them and he threatened that he would hit me so i said him id phone the police he told me thats what id have to do…i begged him not to let the children see that but there was no talking to him so thats what happened the police had to take the children out the house..Again i stopped contact and offered supervised contact as i was petrified i wouldnt get them back next time he wouldnt agree to this so we went to a mediator i was pressured into giving him another chance so thats what ive done but its obvious that he’s smoking cannabis when he has them, my daughter is coming back with an injury almost everytime she goes also he’s started questioning the children about who i see and tells them that my friends are d**kheads
Ive spoke to my solicitor she’s told me to stop contact and let him take it to court if he wants to see them…But im stuck i just dont know what to do for the best anymore i dont want to stop the children and their dad from having time together but also i dont want to put my children in danger and subject them to all the arguing and bitterness
please if you have any advice id be very grateful
thank you to all the people who have taken the time to read & answer sensibly it is from the heart as for the others im sorry we cant put pictures on!

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40 Responses to “how much do i take before i say no???”

  1. everythingspeachy2000 Says:

    Stop contact. He is using the children..he doesn’t care about them …this is a control game and getting even with you.

    A lawyer and the court will decide what is best for the children…and believe me…as a Guardian Ad Litem for the best interest of children..it isn’t always in the best interest of children to see the maniupulations and abuse of parents.

    He needs help.. I would ask for a pysch eval …anger management , counseling (separately and with children)… drug evaluation (you never know)…and supervised visits with a court appointed social worker or mediation and HE pay for it..not you. It is him that cant’ behave.

    don’t feel sorry for your children. They are MUCH better off not seeing this and having to chose sides…and eventually it will come to that. That is not a choice children should make…!

    You are playing by rules…he has none…so stop them altogether. One day it will come to physical abuse or worse…you don’t need to take that. Show your children you were fair but you need to protect them and yourself and you are strong enough to take it. Be strong for them…you are all they have.

    Stop contact and let him take you to court…and start writing down everything so you have it at hand in court. Do it now while it is fresh in your mind.

  2. Ryan D Says:

    take as much as you can until you get to the point where you don’t want anymore…then stop taking it once you no longer want it.

  3. Fallen Says:

    Take no more. File a report with the local police. Take that report to court.

  4. Rose A Says:

    im not relllding that is so much

  5. The Lemur! Says:

    You dont want to stop the kids from having time with this guy? Where is your brain? You need to cut it off right now.

  6. toobatee Says:

    =O… make it shorter

  7. JM Says:

    what’s best is to stop contact. he’s physically and verbally threatening and i’d be damn suspicious as to why my child was coming back injured. absolutely no contact, it’s not bad for your children, it’s protecting them!

  8. friendlystranger65 Says:

    Ive spoke to my solicitor she’s told me to stop contact and let him take it to court if he wants to see them.

    What do you call someone who goes to the doctor and then declines to follow the doctor’s advice?

  9. maneo7000 Says:

    Do your children want to see him? If that is so I’m not really sure. But if they are beginning to dislike the visits, then they simply don’t need to see him.

  10. Darling J Says:

    You’ve done all you can.

    He has to PROVE he’s worthy to be their father by his actions, not because it says so on their birth certificates.

    Trust me, at this time he’s doing much more harm than good.

    He needs to see a psychologist, get help, and then, AND ONLY THEN, should you let him be part of your children’s lives through supervised visits, if even that.

    You know what you have to do. You have to disassociate yourself from him. For the sake of your children I hope you do it.

  11. Billy Shat Says:

    Everyday, you have a choice. Do you think it is good for the kids to be around this man, especially when he is violent towards you? I would take your solicitor’s advice and let the father show some interest in the kids. It’s not your responsibility to make it work between the kids and him.

  12. Marie Says:

    If your children are in danger then you need to let him know that he will not be able to see them especially if he is doing drugs and talking filthy in front of them… But again, the decision is yours and it’s a very challenging one because you don’t want to feel that you took the kids away from their father. In the end though, it is his disrespect and irresponsible behavior that is keeping him from seeing his kids.

    Good Luck!

  13. Alexx Says:

    dont let the children be around their dad he is bad news and abusive!

  14. islandman473 Says:

    i would try to get him put in jail, and in th mean time get a body guard os something to protect you and your kids

  15. ♥Leena Says:

    Wow, that’s a scary situation ]:
    I think you should take this whole thing to court.
    Call the cops, let them know he’s abusive, and keep the kids away and safe.
    He’s sounds like a monster!
    You need to get the police involved again, this time seriously.
    You shouldn’t take any more of this, it’s going to go too far and someone will get hurt.
    Just stay away from him, if it means moving out of state and starting over, then that might just be an option.
    Good luck with this ]:

  16. Stuck in the middle of nowhere Says:

    He is abusive to you in front of your children, smokes pot and your kids are being hurt. Why do you need to ask what to do?? Take him to court and do what is best for your kids, he sounds like a total loser.

  17. Reagan Says:

    Your solicitor is right. If he really wants anything to do with them, he will take it to court. but make sure you have some sort of evidence that he is an abuser so that if he does get visitations that he will have to be supervised. Stay out of the room or stay close by so that you know what is going on at all times.

  18. Justin E Says:

    how about a homicide?
    tell your children that daddy got him by a mack truck for J walking

  19. blueeyes Says:

    It would be best for the children if they don’t see their Dad. He is obviously not responsible and they don’t need that. Trust me when I say it could get worse. You need to get a Protection Order for you and your kids. If he wants to see them make it supervised visits only. YOU make all the rules. You get to decide who supervises him and when and where. He could have mental problems or drug problems and if so he’s capable of anything so be careful and protect your children. He is too unstable to be seeing his kids.

  20. joedlh Says:

    I’m not sure in which country you live. In most states of the U.S. if your children come home with visible bruises after visitation with him you could have him arrested for child abuse. Take photographs and bring them to the police or family court while the bruises are fresh.

  21. ejinaj Says:

    It sounds like you have had enough. Don’t feel guilty because you are doing the right think for your children. It is not you or your children’s fault that thier father is such a bad infulence right now, but it will be your fault if something bad happens while they are visiting thier father and you did not protect them. I know it seems like a hard choice, but if he is going to act like that, you have no choice.

  22. simm101 Says:

    Your solicitors advice is good and make sure you have the necessary evidence.

  23. Meeshellmabelle Says:

    Of course you want your kids to see their dad, but clearly this guy is not a good infuence, but more importantly, sounds down right dangerous. It is your responsibility as their mother to protect them, even if it is from their own father. Don’t let him have them again.

  24. Gina C Says:

    This is NOT your problem. It is HIS problem. You have done more than anyone could expect. As long as the children are available….and you should document when they are… it’s up to him! Keep EXACT records.
    My son has the opposite problem…. She couldn’t care less. Good luck and God bless!

  25. country mom Says:

    its time for the sake of your kids to stop letting him see them. if he really cared about them he wouldnt do that to them.

  26. Savannah D Says:

    He obviously isn’t going to stop, I think that you should just completley cut off contact with him for a long time, or get him to take anger managment classes or something. Maybe if you cut off contact for a long time it will get to his head that the only way he can see them if he matures up and settles things non physically. If your seeing someone you should let them play a fatherly role until he straightens out–if he straightens out.

  27. silver Says:

    You should already know the answer, you and the kids have been thru enough, it’s not healthy for them to be going thru this! Avoid any contact witjh him, until he agrees to some counseling and shows improvement!

  28. s_ammann Says:

    You should have said no the second you were divorced and he started calling you names. Next time you go see him take a mini recorder with you that you can hide easily and talk to him like you normally do. If he starts threatening you in any way you will have proof of it. Once he threatens you ask him if he has hurt the kids or threatened them. If he has then you have what you need to take him to court to get a restraining order to keep him away from the kids and from you.

    If your daughter is is coming back with injurys you need to take pictures of those as well. Keep a log of everything that happens as it will help in court.

    If you truely want whats best for your kids and if every thing you say is accurate you need to stop your ex from contacting the kids and you need to explain to your kids why. Its not good for them to see daddy degrade mommy or hear him make threats. When he is tired of doing that to you where do you think he is going to go next?

  29. Tec Says:

    yeah i’m not reading this guy go get F**ked.

    and as for the question

    well after all that i would stop him seeing them, my parents were not as bad but still argued around me and my dad has threatend my mum, frankly i was old enough to beat him up when i heard him say it, and it was something i didn’t want to do, and its something your kids just might do if it continues as they grow up (you didn’t say an age but i am guessing there youngish) you don’t want this to break out into violence so do what the solictor said, and if they grow up and not see there dad well then you can say you tried and he didn’t, therefore its his fault, not yours, so don’t let anybody pressure you into letting him see them and any time he treatens you go to the police, they can’t normally do anything but it keeps happening and a restraining order might be brought forward.

  30. kuroda_ryu Says:

    He’s obviously an asshole who doesn’t deserve to see his kids. take his ass to court if he wants to see them. Both you and your kids would be better off without him in your lives

  31. Dom B Says:

    it seems you are stuck, to me you wonder if he really changed. Right? I think its enough. I read carefully and i think what you solicitor said to you is the most reasonnable option, think about it, you gave him chances what does he give you in exchange? possibly hits your children, smokes cannabis (can u immagine the effects on your children? devastating), i think you gave him way too many loose end, its time you take control. good luck, i know you will do the right thing, and dont let him ruin your life or your children’s

  32. Naeko Says:

    You want your children to have time with their dad, that’s fair and square and very thoughtful of you, but there are two things that are weird…

    First, didn’t you say your daughter would come back to you with an injury every time? Maybe you should talk to you children about this, maybe they dread seeing him, maybe they don’t want to disappoint you. If this isn’t the case and they LOVE him I’m sorry just ignore what I said.

    I have a close friend who’s parent’s are divorced. He lives with his Mom, and sees his dad frequently, going to the movies, golfing, etc.

    Your ex boyfriend does NOT seem to be very nice and take these things seriously, I’d keep your children away from him by the way he’s acting, he shouldn’t deserve to see his children if he does that to you.

    Now… I would allow them to see their dad at an older age, I have no idea what age they are now but I’m going to assume 5-8.. I’d give them a couple years, and maybe your ex will untangle and be a little nicer. Now he will probably be in a relationship then, but I wouldn’t be worried, you wouldn’t have to see them.

    Good luck.

  33. quyen (: Says:

    i ain`t reading all that;

  34. betcha_i_can Says:

    He comes over to your house and you let him do that…WOW,
    Maybe he wants to to see how stupid you can be..
    Really!!!, You wouldn’t let anyone else come to your place and do that right?!

  35. Junk! Says:

    I’d keep your kids with you until he grows up and shows an honest interest in being part of their lives. This guy sounds like the type that would destroy his children’s self esteem. Just because his sperm fertilized them, doesn’t make him worthy to be their father.

  36. Says:

    I think you need to consider what’s best for your children–in this case I don’t think it’s seeing their father. He’s their father but that may not mean being with him is a good thing for your children. If your daughter is coming back with injuries you certainly have the right to stop contact with him.

  37. RebelYankee Says:

    You have taken more than enough – you need to let the court system get involved for the safety and welfare of your children. Your ex obviously has a hold over you – DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN BE WITH HIM ALONE. You have been more than gracious and fair. He does not deserve to have any time with them if he is a detriment to their well-being in any shape or form! He is blatantly subjecting your children to abusive environment. Keep them away and let him prove he is fit to visit with them, and even then, I would demand supervised visitation. You may also have the police be there upon pick-up and drop-off time.

  38. The Ex Factor Says:

    It seems that your best solution would probably be to take the advice of the solicitor. It’s difficult when children are involved, because you sound like a good mother who wants her children to know their father. Unfortunately, you are torn between what you ideally believe is best for your children (seeing their father) and the reality of your unique situation (your children’s father is harmful to their well being). If your ex has such a limited sense of moral responsibility that he would do drugs around his children, you must realize that there is much more underlying behaviors taking place that you are not aware of. Is he drinking and driving with your children? Is he leaving them alone? He is not providing adequate supervision, since your daughter is constantly being injured in his care. You need to put the reality of the situation before your strong moral sense of right and wrong.

    Good luck.

    🙂

  39. ShineOn Says:

    I agree with your solicitor. If he wants to see them badly enough, he will take it to court. I think it is great that you want the children to have a relationship with their Father, but you say your daughter is coming back with and injury almost everytime?? She doesn’t need to be with her Father if he is abusing her. Your children need to know you will protect them from abuse…even if it is by their own Father. You are a good Mother to support the relationship with their Father, but there are exceptions..and abuse is one of them. He sounds very unstable and I feel you came on here for support….and many people on here were rude and acted like you were the one with the problem. I am sorry for what you and your children are going through. No…he doesn’t need to see them without supervision in my opinion. Hope this helps. Good luck…you have to protect your children. You have to be their voice.

  40. Hope Says:

    It does not take much to be a Father but it takes a whole lot to be a Dad. Stop blaming yourself for his mistakes. You are not the one ruining the relationship between father and kids, he is! You are clearly putting your kids in a very dangerous situation. Take the advice of your solicitor. Be honest with your children and never speak badly of their father in front of them. I would strongly suggest a mental evaluation on the father before visitation begins again. Talk to your attorney. My stongest advice is to Protect your children!