how to agree with wife on insurance pay out spending?

Having been in an RTA in 2008 I lost my job, my wife worked (supporting us both for the 1st year after the accident) then gave up work due to the arrival of our beautiful baby girl. We had to claim benefits (where she gets every penny of it excluding tobacco money, I some times get £10 every two weeks for myself!) but I have no real `personal allowance` mainly due to needing every penny to keep us afloat which I understand, but she was like this when we were both working! I never go to the pub (well, once every 3-4 months, and am only aloud £10 at most!) or buy luxury items (neither does she, excluding make up, women’s magazines, coffee at the shop with her friends, etc.) but spending on small items (sometimes cloths for her) is one sided! Like I said, I have to justify buying a chocolate bar where as if she wants something she will just buy it!Not insulting her but she is a controlling woman in most aspects of our relationship, if I am involved in ANYTHING, she needs all of the facts and forces her input on me, never giving me the space to `be a man` and make decisions on unimportant things that don’t directly effect our home life/security. She will tell me how to handle things that I have already processed and know how to deal with! Not giving me the respect to see if I can deal with things on my own. As a family unit we need to work as a team in financial issues, I get that BUT it does not stop there! I am fed up with hearing..what you should do is.. or why didn’t you do it this way, simple fact is I feel like I am not aloud my own mind but must conform to her way (and her parents way) of thinking on EVERY aspect of MY PERSONNAL life (not disagreeing that we need to act as a team on financial/home issues) but I feel I have not identity of my own or freedom to act as a single person in unimportant issues or minor finances.

Now in 2010 (still awaiting second op) we are still on benefits and I am still unable to work, not likely to for the next year while I heal from the next op in a couple of months. Since the accident my wife has had total control over "our" money. We are expecting quite a large pay (large to me) out soon and cant agree on the details of spending it. My wife is the type who needs to know EVERY detail of EVRYTHING. I quite literally cant buy a chocolate bar with out her moaning about it or having to `justify` myself! We are lucky enough to be debt free at the end of the claim as I intend to pay off ALL of our debts. We cant agree on what to do with the `left over` amount!

An example..

Lets just say we get £15,000 ( I don’t know the correct figure but have already rejected an offer over that amount on my solicitors advice) here is my plan, am I wrong?

Debts come to £8,000 (PAID OFF) hers and mine, all agreed,

£500 baby’s trust fund,

£500 for (planned) baby no 2`s trust fund

£2500 (each) to spend as we please..


Due to my injury I cant do my old job and need to train in a new career (as advised by the surgeon and solicitor) I have a strong back ground in computers (design & repair) investment for a better future in my eyes! (I have a games console, its not about boys toys)..

£1500 for myself for a computers system I desperately need for my media course in Media design which requires a high end PC.

£1000 fees & material costs for my media course.

Wife: (I agreed she can do what she likes with `her share`, which I feel she is not INTITALED to as a RIGHT, but am more than happy to give) her view is “ I will spend a couple of hundred on myself, cloths or what ever) then I will put the rest back in to `the house` to buy a new sofa or what ever else! I said it is for HER personally but she’s having none of it and insists the money goes in to a child’s trust fund and a new sofa..

..Getting the point that she wants a new sofa I try to comprise and say OK, how about we both have (e.g.) £100 each less and buy a sofa. NO, that’s not good enough, NOW she thinks of something else we suddenly need (for the house, not herself) that we have done fine with out up until now! I cant win! I feel I have done more than my best to make us debt free and be fair buy `offering` her half of MY pay out! (which I do see as our money before any talks about marriage sharing stuff!) I wont deny that there is a small part of me that feels that just because we are married, why should she have total control over my personal finances and why am I NOT aloud any `savings` of my own! BUT, would happily give it all (as I already feel I have) to make us debt free. How the heck is this done fairly so that she gets what she needs/wants but I am also `aloud` the right to have x amount in my bank with out having to justify myself (as long as all the bills & debts are paid) ??? She is clearly NOT being greedy BUT controlling! ANY advice that helps both sides of this `team` so that she gets what she needs and I get `some` control over MY finances a

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One Response to “how to agree with wife on insurance pay out spending?”

  1. Wendy Says:

    Honey, the bottom line is, she can not control you unless you let her! You need to stop giving in and put your foot down. When she says "why don’t you do it this way"..etc Tell her you already handled it, thank you. And move on….