Really screwed up marriage. Need objective opinions. ?

I’d like the personal opinions of anybody with some experience. My husband and I have been married almost 5 years and oh boy, what a mess.
1) For religious reasons, I was bent on not marrying anyone who drinks at all. I made it very clear to him when he first started talking marriage and he swore he would stop from that day. He didn’t but I believed him. Yes, I was young, gullible and inexperienced. So he carried on drinking every few days, which I only realised after the wedding. We would get into fights when I smelt it on him, and he denied it. The fights would turn violent. Finally after about 2 years he saw that I really wasnt going to accept it, so he stopped, but he hates me for it. He thot I would ‘understand’. Now I dont trust him and believe that he drinks when either of us is out of town.
2) He had a dubious relationship with some female ‘business contact’ which involved him lying to me about his whereabouts, taking her out to meals and clubbing one-on-one, and bringing her to his social club after telling me that it’s just guys, so I couldnt go with him. Caught him redhanded via a PI, checking of msgs etc. The usual suspicious wife thing. His defence is that she;s just a friend, and he didnt sleep with her so whats my problem?
3) During the period he was with her, he became very worried about losing his wedding ring, so he stopped wearing it, and he also totally stopped having sex with me. And he never came home till 2 or 3 in the morning.
3) He’d rather wait for me to go to bed so he can watch porn then to come and have the real thing with me. In fact he’s so used to porn that he can;t even ejaculate inside me (sorry tmi), so he has to masturbate during sex. Unfortunately, I’ve been wanting a baby real bad the last couple of years. and his method of sex is not conducive for that. So we have to schedule sex, which turns out to be stressful and un-enjoyable for both of us. BTW I’ve put on abt 5 pounds since the wedding. I’m 5’1” and now weigh 119 lbs.
5) Since 3 months after our wedding till about 4 months ago, he used to beat me up if we had a bad fight. I tried to give as good as I got, but he usually managed to overpower me. Injuries include bruises all over my face and body, bleeding from lips, eye area, and a pretty bad nosebleed once, which he wouldnt allow me to see a doctor for. He’d also spit on me repeatedly, choke me, and grind his elbow against my throat. Never told anyone cos I didnt want my family to worry, and was too embarrassed to tell anyone else. Last year I told some friends and 4 months ago I told his and my parents, who warned him not to do it again. He did it once last month, and panicked and tried to convince me it wasnt his fault. Every beating was because I ‘pushed his buttons’. Every fight came with him threatening to divorce me.
6) He won;t see anyone for counselling because he ‘doesnt have a problem, only I do. I’ve been seeing a psychologist who said she can help me deal with my emotions, but can;t help the marriage since he’;s not there.
7) However, when we’re not fighting etc, he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s generous. He agreed for me to quit my job so I could study full time and now he’s supporting me financially. Bascially I have full financial security and freedom to spend as I like, a beautiful home of my own, a car…everything anybody would want.
But now I just feel empty inside. He’s trying to improve after the parents got involved – he comes hom early, he claims not to be going near any woman any more, he doesnt drink (that I know of), and he has gone about 4 months with only one episode of violence. But I cant stand his attitude. Among other things, we’re so different, and I really wish I hadn’t married him so quickly, cos now I know we’re not compatible in out outlooks, values etc. Yet I’m afraid to divorce him in case I regret it later. Should I give him a chance to redeem himself or should I just leave?

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    10 Responses to “Really screwed up marriage. Need objective opinions. ?”

    1. Ariel Banks Says:

      Save yourself and get out of this marriage. He is dangerous.

    2. free_angel Says:

      You have a lying, drunkard, cheating, abusive husband. You should of left his a.s.s. a long time ago.What’s up with you saying, "I’m afraid to divorce him because I might regret it later." Seriously now….do you have no common sense??? You need to get rid of that trash and pronto.

    3. alex07 Says:

      take the money and leave, as much as possible. No man should hit a woman and you can still enjoy the financial stuffs but he is a liar, cheat and a wife beater. You money, lots of it if you want to survive on your own.

    4. lisa m Says:

      You’ve wasted five years of your life. The problems he has can’t be handled on his own. This is serious and you need to get him out of your life no matter what you have to do. I’m not kidding around. You should just leave. You won’t regret it later.

    5. Melissa Smith Says:

      Leave now, knowing in your heart you did all and more to try to deal with this. Nobody and I repeat, nobody should have to deal with what you just told us. For your own safety, sanity and your future.. get out today.Some people and some things never change. Financial freedom, the cars and anything you could possibly want it not enough. You want life. This is not life. This is abuse. Leave, dont look back and dont second guess if you are doing the right thing. Do it for you. God bless you.

    6. Livingthedream Says:

      u have already given him a chance and see what happened.

      a husband and a wife have to have more or less the same values, interests in life, education, salary, etc.

      This man is unable to connect. He´s emotionally crippled. He will have his nice moments, and then he will go back to his mean moments. He´s unstable and he doesn´t want to see it. He will keep making your life a living hell.

      U should leave him, but be careful, he may get violent, or he may try to convince u that he will change. Don´t believe him! he´ll do it so that he doesn´t lose you. He doesn´t love you but he wants to have control over you, that´s the reason he has to be in the relationship.

      Start planning your escape. Tell ur family and close friends that u will need their support. Look for an adequate moment to leavet his nuts. I´d say, wait till his next mean moment and then blame it on him, just b relaxed, u don´t want to get beaten again. By the way, if this happen again, u gotta report to the police.

      Anything else?….. yes, reflect on what made u fall for this nuts, and don´t make the same mistake again in your future relationships.

      Good luck!

    7. Binx Says:

      Leave before he ends up killing you.

    8. Mignon M Says:

      He resents you for forcing your "drink ban" on him. Unless he is a raving drunk it is not fair to force another adult to not have a drink just because you disagree.
      He is having an affair.
      He has lost respect for you and the marriage.
      He should NEVER hit you and if he does it again call the police and have him arrested. He’ll think twice before hitting you again after a night in the can!
      I would seek a divorce.
      Im sorry.

    9. Gracie Says:

      Please leave this situation today. Right now. Even if it means leaving with the clothes on your back. This man is dangerous. You will, most likely, lose your life.

      You are being seduced by the beautiful home and the unlimited money. But what this man has done is put you under his complete control!

      How could you ever regret leaving a man who is abusive? That tells me that you don’t understand the seriousness of all of this.

      So trust us-the writers. Get out now. Even if you have doubts. And don’t worry about how it will look to anyone else. Get to your parents house today. Get a restraining order-although those are of little use-but get it anyway. Take no calls from this man. And get yourself into therapy to find out why you let yourself be treated like this.

    10. Grace Under Fire Says:

      He repeatedly lies about drinking, about his whereabouts. He’s secretive about his ring, about this work woman. He’s violent. He’s disrespectful. You’re suspicious and fearful. You don’t have loving sexual intimacy. I don’t see a relationship at all. The only positive thing you say is that he supports you, which–sorry to say– without a relationship makes you essentially either a paid housekeeper or a prostitute.

      If all you say is true, you’re both miserable. I don’t understand why you’re even trying; there doesn’t appear to be anything in your marriage to save. Get a job to support yourself. And please get on birth control before a child is born into this train wreck.