Really screwed up marriage. Need objective opinions. ?

I’d like the personal opinions of anybody with some experience. My husband and I have been married almost 5 years and oh boy, what a mess.
1) For religious reasons, I was bent on not marrying anyone who drinks at all. I made it very clear to him when he first started talking marriage and he swore he would stop from that day. He didn’t but I believed him. Yes, I was young, gullible and inexperienced. So he carried on drinking every few days, which I only realised after the wedding. We would get into fights when I smelt it on him, and he denied it. The fights would turn violent. Finally after about 2 years he saw that I really wasnt going to accept it, so he stopped, but he hates me for it. He thot I would ‘understand’. Now I dont trust him and believe that he drinks when either of us is out of town.
2) He had a dubious relationship with some female ‘business contact’ which involved him lying to me about his whereabouts, taking her out to meals and clubbing one-on-one, and bringing her to his social club after telling me that it’s just guys, so I couldnt go with him. Caught him redhanded via a PI, checking of msgs etc. The usual suspicious wife thing. His defence is that she;s just a friend, and he didnt sleep with her so whats my problem?
3) During the period he was with her, he became very worried about losing his wedding ring, so he stopped wearing it, and he also totally stopped having sex with me. And he never came home till 2 or 3 in the morning.
3) He’d rather wait for me to go to bed so he can watch porn then to come and have the real thing with me. In fact he’s so used to porn that he can;t even ejaculate inside me (sorry tmi), so he has to masturbate during sex. Unfortunately, I’ve been wanting a baby real bad the last couple of years. and his method of sex is not conducive for that. So we have to schedule sex, which turns out to be stressful and un-enjoyable for both of us. BTW I’ve put on abt 5 pounds since the wedding. I’m 5’1” and now weigh 119 lbs.
5) Since 3 months after our wedding till about 4 months ago, he used to beat me up if we had a bad fight. I tried to give as good as I got, but he usually managed to overpower me. Injuries include bruises all over my face and body, bleeding from lips, eye area, and a pretty bad nosebleed once, which he wouldnt allow me to see a doctor for. He’d also spit on me repeatedly, choke me, and grind his elbow against my throat. Never told anyone cos I didnt want my family to worry, and was too embarrassed to tell anyone else. Last year I told some friends and 4 months ago I told his and my parents, who warned him not to do it again. He did it once last month, and panicked and tried to convince me it wasnt his fault. Every beating was because I ‘pushed his buttons’. Every fight came with him threatening to divorce me.
6) He won;t see anyone for counselling because he ‘doesnt have a problem, only I do". I’ve been seeing a psychologist who said she can help me deal with my emotions, but can;t help the marriage since he’;s not there.
7) However, when we’re not fighting etc, he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s generous. He agreed for me to quit my job so I could study full time and now he’s supporting me financially. Bascially I have full financial security and freedom to spend as I like, a beautiful home of my own, a car…everything anybody would want.
But now I just feel empty inside. He’s trying to improve after the parents got involved – he comes hom early, he claims not to be going near any woman any more, he doesnt drink (that I know of), and he has gone about 4 months with only one episode of violence. But I cant stand his attitude. Among other things, we’re so different, and I really wish I hadn’t married him so quickly, cos now I know we’re not compatible in out outlooks, values etc. Yet I’m afraid to divorce him in case I regret it later. Should I give him a chance to redeem himself or should I just leave?

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31 Responses to “Really screwed up marriage. Need objective opinions. ?”

  1. Allen H Says:

    he is a lying cheating scum bag….
    Any male that hits a female is the lowest form of scum on the planet, dump him and cut your losses….why on earth would you want this jerk to be the father of your children!!!

  2. stanleys_2001 Says:

    Stay if you wanna…

    But that marriage is over.

  3. Dharma G Says:

    OMG!!! You need to go back and re-read everything you just wrote here. I cannot believe you actually need someone to tell you to get out.
    What the F is wrong with you? Why would you stay with this Jack @ss.


  4. margie k Says:

    You already have your answer. You feel empty inside. You have been through too much with this guy. You need to move on. And you have found out a very good lesson to serve you in the future, which is to really know someone before you marry them, and that material things do not fill you up inside.

  5. Racer Says:

    Why would you regret divorcing a man like him?? After what he’s done to you, no… I would not even entertain a chance to redeem himself. I doubt that he’ll be able to do it without professional help. But, bottom line is that it is your life…. if you want to take the chance that he’ll change, then go for it.

  6. Jason T Says:

    Why did you marry this guy? Seek a priest. No joke. It might solve your religous dilema.

  7. Flathead B Says:

    Regret? Regret what? Leaving that piece of smelly garbage? You’ve got to be kidding. Get some police reports by reporting any I mean any more physical abuse. Get a good lawyer, and tell that piece of crap good bye. He is worthless as a husband, and even worse as a human being. The only thing you might regret is ever meeting the bum.

  8. slaps Says:

    if you "give him a chance", you will be disappointed later. That is not the right attitude.
    instead of giving him a chance, see what you can do. Emphasize to him that you really want to make things work, and see what he wants from you. See if you can do that.
    Sexually, it sounds like he is not really keen on having a baby right now.
    Maybe he is, but make sure you figure out where he is. If you two have different feelings on that subject, try to explain your point of view without getting argumentative or making it seem like he needs to do what you want.

  9. Rolando A Says:

    i think all you need is patience and prayers you are on adjustment period , just pray pray and pray GOD will there to help you

  10. Fred B Says:

    No. You should not give this man a chance to redeem himself.

    1. he does not want to redeem himself. If he did, he would agree to a counselor.

    2. He blames you for angering him. He is abusive, physically and emotionally.

    3. He has no respect for you – not one ounce of it. You deserve better than that, and if you don’t believe it, believe that at the very least you deserve to not be lied to and hit.

    Start putting away a little bit of money at a time in a safe place. Find your local woman’s shelter and hook up with a support group. They are fantastic, and will help you see how wrong this is and help you get a plan for getting out.

    Good luck.

  11. Sonja Says:

    From my outsiders points of view, I would advise you to leave him straight away. Financial security does not and will not make you happy. What he has done, especially the abuse, is completely unexceptable. The possible cheating? You can’t prove that, but it certainly adds to his list of bad qualities. But physically beating someone, choking them, hurting them or in any way taking of advantage of being the person with more physical strength is horrible…and you shouldn’t put up with it. He is probably "shaping up" right now because he’s worried about losing you, but in my opinion it’s just not worth it. Hurting someone physically just once is bad enough and he’s done it so many times. Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant by him until and if you’ve worked out your problems. You wouldn’t want to have a child with him if you end up divorcing anyway.

    I know you don’t want to contribute to the high divorce rates, but you have to make sure you are happy because that it much more important. You need to find someone who deserves you. And no, I doubt you gaining weight has anything to do with his behavior.

    Goodluck and God Bless 🙂

  12. ISABELLA Says:

    It sounds like you’ve finally realized your sick of someone treating you so poorly. It seems like it’s a "little too late" for him, because now he has started to clean up his act, but it’s too late because you’re thinking about divorce.

    Why would you regret divorce with him? In case you can’t find anyone else to get married to and have a family?

    Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. You might get a divorce and you might be single for a long time before you find anyone worthy of you, but that’s NOT a bad thing. You could use that time to yourself and to figure out what kind of a man you do want in your life. And by dating and going out you will meet him.

    You need to figure out if he makes you happy. It seems like you already have your mind made up that he doesn’t. Next time he beats you I would call the police, and then you will have proof and good reasoning to end your marriage. The parents will understand.

  13. ♥ Sallie♥ Says:

    Ummmm…he will kill you soon if you do not get out. All the cheating is nothing compared to the abuse…THAT IS NOT NORMAL. And HOW DARE you wanting to bring a child into it!

  14. dmg Says:

    He beats you. You need to leave. End of story. Call a domestic violence hotline and get out. He doesn’t deserve to have excuses made for him by you or anyone else.

  15. KingAndrew Says:

    Okay, you want objective, here goes. You have been in an abusive marriage, and I promise it will continue. Your doing the right thing by going to school to further your career. As long as the abuse has stopped for the time being, I would just allow things to continue. I would start working on an exit plan, just in case. I would open a checking account that is your private unknown account, you will need to start putting back money into it. Your rainy day account. After you have graduated and are ready to step back into the professional business, then you should have money saved back and be ready to leave at the first sign of abuse. Good luck and hopefully things will go smooth for you.

  16. John M Says:

    My God! You really need to get out of the relationship. You may think that you can endure for the financial reasons, but at what price. Loss of you self-esteem from being beaten and made to think it’s your fault for "pushing his buttons"?
    DO NOT have children with this man, leave as soon as you can. You’ll get a little something, financially, out of the divorce. But, most importantly, you will walk away with your life and be able to rebuild your confidence.
    Any woman, regardless of how they look, deserves to be loved. And love is not beating, cheating and sneaking around. Love is holding, kissing, making love, being faithful, honest and open with your partner.
    It’s far better to be alone for a while and search for that man than to continue to endure what this relationship holds for you.
    Please, please get out of there. It won’t be easy, but you’ll be very glad you did in the end.

  17. Emmie26 Says:

    You should have left a long time ago, your as crazy as he is if you stay!! Get out before he does some serious damage or kills you. Don’t EVER have a child with this man. You want him beating up on them or worse?

  18. rosie Says:

    Save yourself and get out of this marriage. He is dangerous.

  19. Girliegirl Says:

    Your words – I cant stand his attitude. Among other things, we’re so different, and I really wish I hadn’t married him, we’re not compatible in our outlooks, values etc.

    I know you want a baby, but a baby will not help this situation, only make it more complicated. You have wasted enough of your life on him. Do you expect his parents to babysit him forever? Even with the parents involved he is not safe to be around. I think you have given this your best shot, but there is more to life than financial security. You never know when the next attack is going to happen and that isn’t any good for your physical or emotional security. You should feel like your spouse is your best friend and will do anything to protect you. You should not have to wonder if/when he’s going to hurt you next because "you pushed his buttons". That is a classic line from most spouse abusers. It allows him to absolve himself of guilt because his violence is your fault, not his. Get out now before it’s too late and he really hurts you or kills you. It might be one thing if he recognized he had a problem and was seeking help, but the fact that he lays it all on you is a clear warning sign that things will go back to the way they were as soon as he feels his parents aren’t watching him as close.

  20. RANN Says:

    It is crazy to read that even though he does all these horrible things to you, you still can say at times he’s a good person. He’s the same person that treats you bad even when he’s being nice to you. I know it’s easier to say when you are not in the situation, but this situation will never get better. Go stay with your parents for a while, finish school and move on with your life.

  21. canuck1950 Says:

    Document everything you have mentioned in your question, find a GOOD divorce lawyer, make sure you know where all the assets are, and are up to date on his financial affairs and then DIVORCE him. This man will not change, however this a good chance of him physically hurting or even killing you……the violence has escalated steadily. You haven’t listed one redeeming quality, so why would you think he is going to change? Get out while you still can and DO NOT get pregnant by this man, it will be a form of control that he will have over you. This is not LOVE, this is all about Controlling you.

  22. Mikich M Says:

    Well I am divorcing for lot less. I mean nobody was beating anyone or drinking, we were too different. It’s your choice, your life and how do you want to spend it and what do you want to achieve. I think you should forgive him and he should to you and then you decide by your feelings and rational judgment.

  23. Andy Says:

    You need to get out of there.
    You’re trying to talk yourself into staying because it’s easier.
    4 months without violence? That’s supposed to be a plus? I’ve gone my whole life without so much as pushing a woman and if you were my sister or daughter this guy would not have the option of breathing. This is not what you want for your life. You can do better. You could throw a dart into a crowd blindfolded and hit someone better. Thank god you don’t have any kids with this loser.

  24. sallyjcat Says:

    long story — didn’t read it all – i really can’t read about physical abuse, it bothers me to know people actually put up with that. I know,myself, i would leave on the spot. Easier said than done, i know. but you need to leave, get out… sorry to be so blunt.

  25. babydolly Says:

    In other words, you got beaten often, spit on, injured, denied sex, have to copy with him cheating, just because he is financially ok and could afford to give you a good home and a car, belief me it aint worth it, it is a part of his responsibilities as your husband to give financial security, it is not a luxury that you have to exchange for your happiness or maybe your life as the case maybe.

  26. BUBBles Says:

    read your entire account of things that have happened and you will see the answer as plain as day…………….

  27. shelly65 Says:

    I think you know the answer, it just is painful to face the truth, but get out now before you bring a child into the world, You could have a second chance to love again, wipe the slate clean, leave this guy before he totally screws your life up, get out now, do not prolong it, come on!!! it’s not o.k. to get hit, beat, never never never o.k. prove to yourself you are a strong woman and get a lawyer and file for divorce, and ask for mainstaince, so you can finish school, you can do this.

  28. prankishmelody Says:

    Your husband is the scum of the f*cking earth! Should you leave him? Will you regret it later? Are you serious? If you really need to ask this question, you are either deluded, or just not that bright. I don’t mean to be harsh with you, but c’mon! Have a little self respect for crying out loud! He’s cheated on you (don’t act like you don’t have proof so maybe he didn’t, HE DID), he’s repeatedly abused you! Move out and move on, and quit making excuses for being miserable! He doesn’t deserve it.

  29. Sarah C Says:

    Oh, my god- get out as soon as you can. There is no way in hell that I could imagine staying with this man. Why would you want to get pregnant by him? If you stay, you will never be happy with him, and I totally see why. Please- for yourself- get out of this situation and find yourself a real "grown-up" man. You deserve better.
    In re-reading- #5- why the HELL would you stay with a man who choked you and beat you up? What kind of future is this? If he comes home from drinking and sleeping around one night- and you confront him- one night he may kill you. This is not love- this is horrible. I would call the cops on him, as it is. A nice home, a nice car, it’s not worth it if you don’t have your life.

  30. Undeniable Reality & Truth Says:

    The answer to this equation = leave him. No one, especially your husband – has the right to hurt you. It sounds like a movie often seen on the Lifetime Network – and by staying – you are just waiting for that ONE opportunity for him to go too far. Then- we’ll be hearing about you on CNN.

    Leave! Leave NOW

  31. wade orchid Says:

    I usually don’t give this kind of advice, but leave, because he will escalate and I am worried about your life. If he beats you up like that you do not want to make a baby with this a-hole and model that behavior for a child. quit wasting your precious time on him and find someone that will love and treat you with respect. Move on, because being alone is better than riding the roller coaster with this one.